Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
