I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
