I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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