Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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