apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
