I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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