All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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