I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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