she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
