I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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