I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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