We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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