hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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