she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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