i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
