theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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