You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
