Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
