I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
