i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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