I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
