her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
