im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
