do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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