paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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