If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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