I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
