I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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