im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
