I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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