My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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