did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
