he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
