Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
