I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
