I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm passing your future prison.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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