your parents love me but you hate me
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
