Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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