So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
