Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
