At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Found the puke drawer
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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