We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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