There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
