Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
