My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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