ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
