Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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