My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
