My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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