Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
