We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
