I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Dignity is for republicans.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
