and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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