I accidentally burped into my bong.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
