I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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