when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
