First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
