he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
