Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
