I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
